The name is Leo Melvin Toh
21 this year
First cried 7 May
Currently working at The Fullerton Hotel as a Trainee
Loves music, playing the guitar and drums, food, wine, travelling
Posted on: Friday, December 28, 2007 Posted at: 12:00 AM
Hi Everyone,
i am finally back from China after a long break. It's been a great time in China and the weather there was really freezing cold. Had fun there and enjoyed myself. Beautiful scenery and great companions made the trip an unforgettable one.
I have yet to upload the photos into my computer, so once i am done with the uploading process, i perhaps might put it up for all to see. Too much things to elaborate about the trip so i guess the pictures shall do the job.
Yups. So that's all about my China trip.
Seriously speaking, i am really physically drained. Tired after such a long day. I haven't had a wink after arriving Singapore at 6am in the morning. I'm frustrated! I feel so emotionally drained as well.
I don't even have time for myself to reflect and think about life sometimes. When i really have time to do so, somehow or rather, this little time i have with myself will be taken away by what i call commitments.
Be it whether i'm showering, having a meal, reading a book, playing the guitar or listening to music, a call will come, my MSN messenger will nudge, my doorbell will ring, an email will be sent, sms will come. Tell me, where is the silence i need so much in my life just to ponder and think about life?
Yes, it's not all about me, myself and i. A relationship is one where two are joined together. It needs communication, trust, love, compassion, humility, courage and rest. But really, i don't feel the peacefulness in my soul and spirit. I feel as if i need to do so much just to keep relationships going. Communicate almost everyday. Meet up almost everyday. Ask the people around me, and most of them who are in a relationship will say that communicating and meeting up even 2 times a week is considered a luxury.
It's like a vicious cycle. Not that i don't wish to speak up. But everytime when i'm silent, i listen. I listen with intense to every words that is spoken. Problems, encouragements and answers will pour to my ears and i listen with intense. When i don't speak, it does not mean that i'm tired, bored, uninterested, or not listening. At times i am observing as well.
Sometimes, i asked myself these questions after communicating with others. I will ask myself, "Am i always the one talking during the conversation?", "How come he/she is so silent during the conversation?", "Did i talk a lot during the conversation?", "Was the conversation all about me, myself, and i?", "Did i know/learnt and gain a deeper understanding of that person after the conversation?". Of course somehow or rather, not all questions are pondered about all the time.
At times, we need to do a self check-up on ourselves and ask these questions, "Am i thinking too much?", "Why do i feel this way, is it because i lack the assurance and security?", "How can i solve my problems, who can i look to?"
I feel as if i'm chained like a prisoner. No, its not freedom that i seek. But rather, i seek peace and silence. Not all the time, but at times. Why? Because everyone and everything needs a time to rest, to heal, to recuperate, to repair, to fix and to strengthen.
I tried my every best effort to accomodate. To try and reassure. To care and to communicate. No matter what may come my way, i really gave in my best. My phone bill may go up. But still i try to communicate even when i'm away. My family may not be happy that i don't spend time with them, but still i try to meet up even when family dinners are so precious to me.
You asked, "Where am i in your heart?" I say, "Always have been right here always!"
I hope this answers the doubt.
